Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
