good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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