remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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