dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
