I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
