...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
