The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i think im in europe. pls send help
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