Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
