Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
