4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
