I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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