I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
im six kinds of drunk right now
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
