It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The Olympian is in my bed
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