If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
