I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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