Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
