Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
