Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We don't watch enough power rangers
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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