No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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