Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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