She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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