My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
