I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
