i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
