I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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