separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
whose ass print is on the piano?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
