Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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