This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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