How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
