Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize