I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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