I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
