I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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