I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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