if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize