Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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