The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
