dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Randomize
