If that was your dad, he is hot
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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