Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
