I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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