i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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