i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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