I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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