Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize