I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
