I wish my penis had an off switch
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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