I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize