some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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