I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
