So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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