I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize