the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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