mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just forgot I was standing up.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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