Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
