My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
